Catching up on current affairs, I came across this little article about.. an ex-Mormon (I don't really understand how someone becomes an ex-brother in Christ?) who donated a big wad of cash towards the campaigning efforts against California's Proposition 8. There's a quote from him... and he says that the Church shouldn't involve itself in matters of government policy.
Is it weird that I... don't know how to feel regarding the whole issue?

Someone mentioned the other day.. that Brad Pitt donated half-a-million... and the guys from Fall Out Boy are in that bandwagon too. All the big names are on that camp---Steven Spielberg, that guy from that E.R.-type show... Grey's Anatomy?
But then at the same time... there are ads running on television stations in California... funded by the Church of Latter-Day Saints... And those are telling people to protect the sanctity of marriage and...

I don't understand it.
Would it change the entire course of nature if people who aren't of the faith make their own choices about who they want to spend their lives with..? I guess.. Well, I suppose it could be construed as.. a legal endorsement or encouragement of that sort of lifestyle... But in the scriptures, it says that if we're faced with the choice of.. looking upon our own selves and correcting our own flaws... we should.. do that first before condemning another's shortcomings...
I don't know. It just seems like a lot of money to waste when there are Mormon families whose lives are impoverished financially... So.. shouldn't the Church be solving the problems of their fellowship before extending their 'help' to others?
Maybe that's a really selfish way of looking at it...?

I don't know. This whole thing confuses me.
It's not an issue that directly affects me... I mean, I'm already married, I'm registered in Nevada... But the question keeps coming back to me... If I were a Californian resident, which side would I be on?
Which side is fighting the good fight?

Hell, I'm not even sure if I'll be in the country during the presidential elections...
I think Tana wants to vote Democrat......

Their house is a lot quieter without the entire family gathered for the holidays... It's peaceful. But I guess that's Nephi for you---where I can keep the work in the canyons and.. take with me the peace while we filmed. I think I feel better about leaving Tana and the baby with my parents... Though, the meeting on Sunday watched me and my family like... I don't know; it felt like I was the prodigal son who had come home. All their smiles were polite, but their eyes were searching me for a mistake. It's the only thing that I don't like about the meetings. Even in Henderson, I feel like... they just... They look at me differently. And Tana gets a lot of it too, I think.
Sometimes, I want to tell her that she doesn't have to go. I never do---that's between her and God, and... I don't know. She gets quiet when we're there... and so do I, but... I don't know.
I don't even know what they're waiting to find.

But anyway...
The nightmares stopped while we were in Utah... but my mother thinks I'm getting too slim. Heh.. She told me that story again---about how my dad only cooks when they're having arguments... And well, I don't want her to worry. Tana and I are... we're like everybody else, I guess? We were going through a really rough patch; the land was dirt crumbling beneath my feet... but... It'll be alright. I wasn't myself. I hadn't been sleeping well, and... Well, it's just a stressful time for everyone.

She.. wants to get a job.
I sorta'... freaked out... when she told me. But it was really just... bad timing.
I want to tell her that I'm alright with whatever she wants to do... but... I think I'm a little too proud.

Our SNL performance was a couple of nights back... I haven't viewed the tape yet.
I always get so nervous when we're on something that's going to be nationally televised. It's like all the people who were watching me for mistakes..? They're seeing it from their living-rooms and they don't have their polite smiles anymore. I don't know why but I want to do right by them... I don't want my mom and dad to have to.. explain me, or have to make up excuses for me...
I never went for my mission work.

On Friday afternoon, I finally went to see the good doctor...
He says that... the nightmares and stuff are symptoms of post-traumatic stress. I thought that only war veterans suffer from things like that, but Kurt says that it's not all that rare... I guess it's a battlefield out here. The sad part is... I'm not sure which side is winning.


Oh... And Joseph..?
Your Thunderbird is safe and comfortable in my garage. Ron and I salvaged her just before the crack-whores found the backseat. =)
And... I drove.

Time takes its crazy toll... and how does your mirror grow?
You'd better watch yourself when you jump into it
'Cuz the mirror's gonna' steal your soul...
I wonder how it came to be, my friend,
That someone just like you has come again.
You'll never, never know how close you came
Until you fall in love with the diamond rain.

Throw all his trash away.
Look out, he's here to stay.
Your mirror's gonna' crack when he breaks into it,
and you'll never, never be the same.
Look into his eyes and you can see
Why all the little kids are dressed in dreams.
I wonder how he's gonna' make it back
When he sees that you just know it's make-belief.

Blood crystalized to sand,
And now I hope you understand---
You reflected into his looking-glass soul
And now the mirror is your only friend.
Look into his eyes and you will see
That men are not alone on the diamond sea.
Sail into the heart of the lonely storm
And tell her that you'll love her eternally.

Time takes its crazy toll;
Mirror falling off the wall.
You'd better look out for the looking-glass girl
'Cuz she's gonna' take you for a fall.
Look into his eyes and you shall see
Why everything is quiet and nothing's free.
I wonder how he's gonna' make her smile
When love is running wild on the diamond sea.
(Sonic Youth)


      The record spun its bold ballet while the silence that it softly broke swallowed the mournful croon's ironies. There just weren't volumes left for those acknowledged remorses; it was a boy and his ten-month-old son that shared the family room's solitude, and the space which that peace occupied was bridging hours without vacancy to spare. Any night before the 21st of April and Brandon would've been in his study for this three-in-the-morning's passing. The single played might've been the same---the same four-and-a-half minutes of striking cords that ended with the return of an axil's arm to its outermost starts---but routines had been changed like a friend's phone number and a drummer's ceased callings-to-no-answer.

     And a wife slept sounder as well---a sleep that still wouldn't come to a husband who, at a quarter past midnight, prepared for bed's turning with her... but closed his eyes, awake, till the patterns charted of her breathing gave allowance for thefts into an infant's nursery. Heists were made under the cover of moon and star-shaped night-lights, the soundless snore of a sleep too innocent to know the difference that it dreamed---that beauty was cradled in another child's arms and taken upon a father's chest for the record's morning company.

     It would be hours before dawn would take them both to their respectful rooms, but in those hours while the song still played on, a sofa and its seat was cot for a man's rest.

Nobody else here, baby;
No one here to blame;
No one to point the finger---
It's just you and me and the rain.
Nobody made you do it;
No one put words in your mouth;
Nobody here taking orders---
When love took a train heading south.

It's the blind leading the blond...
It's the stuff, it's the stuff of country songs.

If God will send his angels,
And if God will send a sign,
And if God will send his angels,
Would everything be alright?

God has got his phone off the hook, babe.
Would he even pick up if he could?
It's been awhile since we saw that child
Hanging 'round this neighborhood.
You see his mother's dealing in a doorway...
See Father Christmas with a begging bowl.
And Jesus' sister's eyes are a'blister;
The High Street never looked so low.

It's the blind leading the blond;
It's the cops collecting for the cons.

If God will send his angels,
And if God will send a sign,
Well if God will send his angels...
Where do we go?

Jesus never let me down;
You know, Jesus used to show me the score;
Then they put Jesus in show-business...
Now it's hard to get in the door, angel.

It's the stuff, it's the stuff of country songs,
But I guess it was something to go on.

So where is the hope and where is the faith?
And the love...?
What's that? you say to me
Does love... light up your Christmas Tree?
The next minute---you're blowing a fuse
And the Cartoon Network turns into the news...

If God will send his angels...
Sure could use them here right now.
Well if God would send his angels...

And I don't have to know how (so where do we go?);
And I don't need to why;
And I don't want a promise;
And I don't want a lie.
(Where do we go?)
Just know---I need you
Tonight...

So now I'm sold, out by your door;
And I might not want my life...
I want my lover---feel my soul. (So where do we go?)
And I want my love and I...
And I want to feel alone. (So where do we go?)
(U2)


-----------------------

How did Sunday come again so soon...?

Tiny short clip from their Christmas single "Don't Shoot Me Santa"...
(ROFLROFLROFL...
The lyrics: Don't shoot me Santa Claus, I've been a clean-livin' boy---I promise you...
-dies-)

( Full lyrics here, bb... )
(And you know what the most incredible thing about his lyrics is..? That even in the weirdest, most lulz-filled and dope-I-be-smoking context, there's meaning peppered all over that shit. It's insane...
Omg, I could write an essay on the religious and personal undertones of this 'cracked-out' song... Like, seriously.
There are intellectual reasons behind my obsession/love for this man... For reals.
Lol.. =)



And holy shit.. Sneak premiere of their video for their cover of Shadowplay.. which is on the soundtrack for the Ian Curtis biopic Control... Only available for 24-hours on AOL...
[ Edit: And now it's on YouTube... ]

Four more days before we fly back from Europe... Then it's two weeks off before we continue the tour... starting in Colorado.
My voice gave out in the middle of that Red Rocks show in May... and god, I felt horrible about that... It's such a rockstar thing to do, to cancel a show, and I hate that... but.. after two songs... that was just it for my voicebox.
But yeah... I hope the rescheduled date goes really fantastic... Just to make it up to everyone, you know?
I have this weird fear that we'll get up on stage and... there'll be no one in the audience 'cuz they're all just so pissed off.. or something.

Anyway... A lot's been on my mind and... (And that's probably why I've been blogging so much...) But right now, what's on the forefront of my mind is...
I don't even know where I'll be spending those two weeks. It's a weird feeling... and I never seem to get used to it...

I think I'll go home.
I miss my boy... I miss falling asleep in the Lazy-Boy that I dragged into his nursery so I can be right there when he wakes or cries... Heh.. Tana gets the day-shift and I take the nights... I'm not much of a good sleeper anyway...
So yeah... she probably really needs a bit of a break too... Heck, I should be there at every chance I get when I'm not on the road.

Things have been going well with her... I've been on the phone with her more since I left the U.S. than I've ever been.. since our first tour in support of Hot Fuss...
She holds the phone to Ammon's ear for twenty minutes every day... so I can talk to him. I thought it'd feel kinda' silly to do that, but... He makes the cutest gurgling sounds when I sing to him and... he giggles when I baby-talk... It really just... kills me... in like, good ways.
Tana says she plays him our Morrissey and Bowie records in the afternoons... And she says that he laughs when she plays him Hot Fuss... (I kinda' hope he likes Sam's Town better.. =)


( Blah, blah, blah... Band junk and a Springsteen quote... )

Ammon.

We wanted him to have a good strong name... and Ammon just.. stood out for me. It's biblical and.. has the Hebrew meanings of 'teacher' or 'builder'... And.. I don't know, but... The moment I first found out that I was going to be a father, I knew my life was going to change. And it has... so much.
I've given up two chances for personal happiness for this baby. I've traded.. my love for certain persons... for the love of this tiny human being...
So already, this child has taught me more about sacrifice than I would've ever known without him... And the journey's just begun.

God, it's still so strange to think about it. I'm a father.
But you know... just that alone has changed me. I feel like I understand better... what it meant for the Lord to give the world His only son. I understand better... what kind of faith it must've taken for Abraham to so obediently be ready to give his son Isaac over to God.

This child has gotten me thinking so much more, and so differently, about life... When previously, what mortality meant to me was.. the death that awaits us all. But I see so clearly now.. that it's more than that.

Teacher.
When I'm holding him cradled against the ticking time-bomb of my heartbeat... in the middle of the desert night, when the moonlight shines brighter than the tip of Luxor's pyramid and all the electricity of The Strip combined... I feel like a schoolboy on the first day of kindergarten.
I learn to count from his ten little fingers and ten tiny toes; I learn colors from the hues of his skin and eyes; I learn that human beings are really capable---with the help of divinity---of creation... I learn that 'beauty' can be spelled in more ways than one, and that it truly can exist.. even in this chaotic madness.

And with his fragile little hands, he has already started building new dreams into my heart... and new protections for my spirits... Because how could I relinquish faith or hope... when I have this perfect miracle to now owe my life to?
With his softest murmur of a heartbeat, he has drummed the foundations of my future into arid soils I had always believed to be barren...
He has built for me a home. I finally know where that is. And I know what to call it.
Ammon Flowers.
The one boy I can finally love without limits, shame, or concealment.

(A little ironically... the name also traces back to Egyptian origins... where it means the hidden one. Perhaps I have given him more than my family name and my love.)



I am unbelievably content. More than I deserve to be.